Better To Have Loved
by suspensegirl
Summary: Post 4x08 - It wasn't hate sex. It wasn't friends with benefits sex. It was making love. / CB's thoughts on the final scene. 2-Part.
1. Part 1

A/N: I know, I haven't updated any of my other stuff, but I'm planning on updating MMB very soon, if that's any consolation. ;p Honestly, tonight I wasn't that impressed with the episode, though all the CB scenes were obviously lovely. Hehe. I just rewatched the last CB scene though & was totally inspired. So, I had to write this. lol. It'll probably be pretty short, since it's mostly thoughts, but I hope you'll still enjoy and review. Thanks. =)

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

….

She couldn't pass it off as hate sex in the morning. She knew that. They'd become friends that evening, real friends again. He hadn't tried to seduce her after they'd gloried in their victory. He hadn't even tried to stay longer than was probably the polite amount. It was proper and how things should be now, how they probably should have been ever since they came back from Paris. But it wasn't just a look that bid them farewell. It was a hug, a sweet, tender hug that spoke a thousand words, and sweet kisses that turned into a hungry passion all over again. Except this time she couldn't pass it off as hate sex. They weren't enemies anymore. They were friends. Friends that were so in love it hurt to think about.

The sex was hazy and tender this time. The last week had been filled with lusty, angry, fierce animal sex that while extremely enjoyable did not hit on the emotional level, not in the process. It was merely for physical pleasure, as far as they were concerned. But this time it was so intimate she wanted to scream in frustration. The beauty of it all drowned her in a sea of contentment. She would have to rise out of the still waters in the morning, because everything would be different, because at this point even thinking of them as a couple just because they'd mended their ways enough to be civil, was hostile. It wasn't safe thinking those thoughts, not even now. But in the stillness of her room she gloried in the heart he said loved her. She couldn't open herself up to him like she'd done before. It would be too easy to get hurt. She was still too weak and her strong barriers were already coming down. But his hands sliding across her skin comforted her in the madness. His gentle touch was all she had to hold onto.

All that talk of being rid of meaningful sex with Chuck and being able to do the same with meaning_less_ sex was a lie. Both had been hard to do, and though she'd succeeded at the latter and been so good at refusing the former, right now – this moment – it had all come undone. Because here they were, whether they knew it or not, having meaning_ful_ sex. He was making love to her. Chuck Bass was making love to her all over again. Her heart clenched tightly in her chest at that realization, and it created a tension within her that was so strong that she hoped it could be passed off as sexual pleasure. It was just her luck that his kisses created a noise resembling a gasp at that exact moment.

When she'd pulled away from his hug, she hadn't wanted him to go. She'd actually initiated the hug. He was the one to end it, though maybe she'd done it just out of sheer desperation in not wanting to hurt anymore. Hatred built up walls that needed to be there in order to escape the hurt. Friendship was a huge step down from that, and when she'd pulled back, she hadn't moved, because his lips were so close, his breath warm against her face and all she'd wanted was him _on_ her, in any way she could get it. The moment had been so intimate, so still, and she'd been beyond relieved when he leaned back in to kiss her, when he hadn't pulled away just because they were _friends_ now. _This couldn't be over_. She knew it with all of her being. They'd come up with an excuse in the morning as to why they had faltered, or maybe they'd decorate themselves with the new label of _friends_ with benefits, but it wouldn't change the fact. He loved her. She loved him. And if things weren't so damn complicated, if their whole story wasn't filled with so much pain and hurt, that might have been enough.

She wanted it to be enough, but her heart wouldn't let her. She'd given him so many chances but her undying love for him didn't excuse what he did. Their new status as friends didn't make amends for everything he'd done to her. Breaking up, hating, being friends, loving, none of it would fix things. It was all so torturous, and was only made worse by her aching desire that he tell her he love her as he made love to her. She wanted to tell him everything was fine, to see that wild grin on his face that she always did when she decided to come back to him. That was all she wanted. But her heart was still broken.

His kisses soothed her, decorating her face, her neck, her belly, her legs. His hands wrapped up in her hair gave her shivers that rippled throughout her entire body. Everything was so magical and it made her so angry that it wasn't really real. It was her decision alone that they couldn't be together, but they _couldn't_. She _knew_ they couldn't. She couldn't just keep giving him chances in the hope that he wouldn't hurt her just because she loved him. She'd done it too many times and she wasn't about to do it again.

But somewhere in the back of her mind, she thought that maybe someday if some miraculous event or change of heart took place, that they would end up together. And in that moment she realized that she didn't _want_ to ever be with anyone else. She couldn't _imagine_ herself with anyone else, ever being as happy as she'd been with him, as she was with him. _It was a curse_, she thought, to forever be in love with Chuck Bass, the only man who could ever hurt her or love her more than anyone else. _But so what?_ If she was cursed to be in love with him for all eternity, then she was cursed. Better poisoned by love than never knowing how desperately and blindly it was to feel such passion for another human being.

_Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all._

It wasn't hate-sex. It wasn't _friends with benefits_ sex. It was _making love_. Because that was all they felt now. That was all they knew. Even if it could never be said or revealed or accepted because of what they'd – _he'd_ – done. Even if it was never enough. Love was all they knew.

_"I love you so much…it consumes me."_

…

A/N: Bittersweet, I think. I wanted to have B's thoughts somewhere admit to her slowly forgiving him, but I just don't think she's at that place on the show right now, so I resisted. Hehe. Please review! ;p And you know…I just thought…should there be a part 2 for Chuck's thoughts of this scene? *contemplates* Let me know! =D


	2. Part 2

A/N: I'm officially in love with that last scene. *hugs tightly* I clearly just needed a good night's sleep to truly appreciate the episode. XD haha. But yes, anyways, I'm taking a huge risk by finishing this off before I hardly have any reviews, but…*shrug* I really want to get it up & I'm inspired. Reason enough for me. Heheh. I'll really try to have MMB up soon. I'm still trying to figure out the outline for it. ;p

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

…

He'd be lying if he said he'd planned this, because he hadn't. There had been nothing aside from hate sex with Blair on his mind for the last week. Tonight changed things because they'd acted together, as one unit, to defend Serena Van der Woodsen, who simply had a knack for getting into trouble by existing. It had been nice, wonderful even. He'd set out to call her across the street for another rendevou, but on the way back over he'd overheard the situation and he had stepped up, just like Blair told him later. It had left him feeling with a better feeling than destroying or fucking her ever could. So, he'd stayed there, at that place with her, with that type of relationship. When he'd come home with her several hours later, it hadn't been with the intention of seducing her. It'd been just because he wanted to be with her, to reminisce. He didn't tease or deny her when she suggested an after-ballet celebration, just the two of them. Because it _wasn't_ romantic. Glorying over their victory, drinking champagne, sitting in front of the fireplace, reminiscing about how wonderful it was to be _them_ again.

There wasn't tension when they sat there just looking at each other, having admitted to finally made it to the friendship status. But there was something. _He had to say something_, he told himself. He'd lunge at her if he didn't, and then what could they call it? It wouldn't be hate-sex. And hell if he'd let her call it _friends with benefits_ sex. He didn't care for that bullshit either. The only explanation would be that it would really mean something, and he had a feeling the only one that would end up broken-hearted from the morning after conversation would be _him_. Because he'd dared to think she still loved him when she never would in a million years, not after what he'd done. The stunt he'd pulled tonight didn't even come close to cracking the iceberg. It'd elevated their status from enemies to friends, but that was only after several weeks of torture.

Last names was what defined them, at least, it had been in the beginning. Very slowly it had declined when they'd become more intimate lovers than teasing counterparts, but now there was a sweetness in the names that seemed to only belong to them. When she leaned forward to hug him, it took his breath away. His face nestled into her hair, took in the scent of her body, the feel of the baby blue dress as it fit along her curves. He could feel her tucking her head against his neck too and it sent shivers racing all over his body. He didn't want to go. He didn't want this moment to end. It was too perfect. After everything that had happened, it was too perfect. His heart proceeded to break all over again when she pulled away.

They lingered there, their gazes steady on their faces, their eyes, their lips. Neither stepped away far enough that would suggest that one of them were to leave or to make the other leave. He didn't think he should get too hopeful, but he liked that she didn't move. He liked that they were friends now and that she didn't want him to leave, not really. She hadn't been the one that had suggested he go. That had been him 100%. He'd felt he hadn't had another choice, not if he wanted to get home without falling into a million pieces just on the elevator ride down. But now things were different. In that brief instant, things were different.

Her head tilted towards him and he pressed his lips to hers when they met. The feel of her supple, pouty lips against his right then sent more electrifying crackling fire through him than during all of the hate sex that had developed over the last week. Because this _meant_ something. This wasn't to get over each other, and it wasn't just because they were in the right place at the right time with the right person. It was possible that it was because they were just overjoyed that they didn't have to fight with each other anymore or go by unnecessary means to move on with their lives. Maybe it was because he didn't really want to go and she didn't want him to leave, because they were _friends_. And friends shouldn't have to leave.

Any one of those reasons could have inspired Blair Waldorf to lean forward and take Chuck's lips captive, to allow him to carry her bridal style up to her bedroom so he could lavish her there exquisitely, sweetly, tenderly, like the queenly goddess she was, the precious angel he knew her to be in his arms. But for him it was all love. He was still so desperately, madly in love with her. Perhaps his actions up until now since coming back from overseas during the summer could be rationalized in one way or another, but there was one thread of truth, that while sometimes was buried, rang true, clear as a bell.

He was still so very in love with her. Her heart. Her body. Her wit. Her charm. He would never find another woman like Blair Waldorf in his entire life, and he knew it. There was no point in trying to put perfect people on the scale that he knew would never measure up. When he fought for her, everything he said was the truth. When she'd kissed him and he'd reciprocated, this night, after they'd confirmed their official friendship, it had spoken a thousand words. And in past experience, actions always spoke louder than words for them. Declarations of love, apologies, hate threats, all of it needed to be said, but it was set in stone with the actions that followed. Confirmation of friendship didn't need sweet, tender, heavenly sex to accompany it. In fact, it didn't make sense to do so. The silent admission that they weren't over each other did however.

They were always so silent when choosing to love in secret, both want to scream at the top of their lungs but closing off themselves to avoid losing their voice, getting hurt, dying. He could have sworn she still loved him. Aside from driving Eva out of town – which still could possibly be interpreted as an act of jealousy – Blair had done nothing that showed she didn't love him anymore. She'd said she didn't, and that hurt like hell, but he couldn't see any direct admission that she did. It was overanalyzing, sure, but when it came to Blair Waldorf, that was all he did. Because it hurt like hell that he couldn't have her. He'd give anything for her now, and he wouldn't even redo things so that he could have remained numb all this time and not have to deal with the high and lows love brought with it in its wake. He would have always chosen her. She made him feel alive, and loved, and wanted. And that kiss tonight gave him hope. Because all it could possibly confirm was that she wasn't over him, even if she'd deny it in the morning, which he was sure she would. The subject was so touchy for them, even if it had only been brought up a few times.

_I love Blair Waldorf_, he thought. _Always have. Always will._

He carried her up those stairs and over that threshold bridal style, because it gave more hope to imagine. Not a day went by that he didn't wonder what it'd be like if she'd said _yes_.

….

A/N: Hope you enjoyed. Please review. =)


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